Thursday, February 3, 2011

taking it day by day

Well, Matt is officially on deployment. The day of was both easier and harder then I thought it would be. Is that even possible?! I was totally fine most of the time, but of course our final hug and kiss was really hard. But what was even harder was watching the ship pull away. I just wanted to run to the end of the pier, jump off and swim to the ship in hopes that maybe I could get him to stay. No luck, that probably would have just sent me to the looney bin on a 72 hour hold. And I would have been cold. So, against my better judgement I just stayed on the pier and watched him sail away. And just to make it a little worse, the ships band was playing "Proud to be an American" as they pulled out....talk about a tearjerker! I preferred the "Highway to Hell" they played earlier...at least that one made me smile!

So after they left the pier we raced over to the harbor and watched the ship cruise by. I needed to be able to see the ship leave the area for good. Closure. It was not as hard to watch but still a little tough. I actually thought I was doing pretty well. I had my moments when he left but I felt ok and thought I was being a real trooper! Well, after getting home I put some dishes away and then went to take out the recycling. And thats when it hit me. I started balling over the trash. really? really? who cries over the garbage? Well basically I realized two things: #1: I am on my own now and I have to do everything. sad. lonely. boo. #2: I was throwing away some beer bottles from the night before, Matt's beer bottles and I didn't want to throw anything away that was his. Most of his clothes were already gone, no toothbrush, no slippers, nothing and now the beer bottles too??! Ridiculous, I know, but it was all I had left.....well that and some leftover food from Phils BBQ....how long do you think I can keep that before I HAVE to throw it away? :) I guess I feel that if all his stuff is gone, he is officially gone too and that makes me sad. I know he's coming back, but its hard to wrap my mind around 7 months.

Thats why I just need to take all of this day by day. I can't even think ahead to the weekend yet, I am just working on Thursday right now. Tomorrow will be all about Friday, but someday soon I hope I can focus on weeks and months at a time. I know it will get better. I know lots of people that have been through a deployment, poor Samyjo had a year long one. I really don't know how she did it, but I know if she can do it, I can do it. And Brandy is in the middle of one right now and is surviving just fine. So I know I will be ok. Eventually. In time I will get there.

"Distance never separates two hearts that really care, for our memories span the miles and in seconds we are there. But whenever I start feeling sad, because I miss you, I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss." - unknown

Some pictures from deployment day:
my handsome officer
goodbye kiss
bye baby! I love you!!!

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