I was, and still am, torn on whether to write this post. I have been silently suffering after this election and besides liking a few posts, have kept it all to myself. But I cannot let this moment pass without sharing my thoughts. As a citizen of this great country, it is not only my right, I feel it is my responsibility. I have sat back and watched others give theirs, and whether I agreed or not, I did not criticize.
I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a military spouse. I am a proud supporter of Hillary Clinton. And I am mourning our loss. I am grieving. I never would have thought an election would have this kind of effect on me. Perhaps it is because my chosen candidate won the last two times, or perhaps I just felt THAT strongly about Hillary this time around. Either way, I was not prepared for the strong post-election emotional response.
As the results were coming in, I was in pure denial. Shock. No way could this possibly be happening. We were assured a win. This was supposed to be a landslide. When I woke up and saw the official result I was sick to my stomach. Physically ill and literally crying. As I told Charlotte that Hillary was not going to be President, I cried. My dreams and hopes had just died. I was afraid for our future. What would this new President do in the next four years? What kind of world would he leave to my girls? Would they have access to the health care they deserve? Would they be offered the same pay as men? Would they be assured paid time with their families when they have children? Would they be able to marry whomever they chose? With Hillary I had no doubts that she would be a fair and honest leader. Someone we could be proud of. Someone for the people. With Trump I am at a loss. I have no idea what he could possibly do.
I was also scared. Very Very scared. For our safety and the safety of my husband. Will Trump lead us into a devastating war due to his lack of self-control? Will Matt be deployed? The future of our family now sits in the hands of this man. A man that has behaved like a child and not a leader. One wrong move could cost a lot of people their lives.
Then I was angry. Mad at the country, mad at the voters, mad at those who didn't bother to vote, mad at the system. I was just mad. Now that a few days have passed I have transitioned to bargaining. Maybe the electoral college will back Hillary instead of Trump! (Totally far fetched I know). Mostly, I have been bargaining with God. Please please please don't let Trump mess up our country! And I keep hoping this is all some crazy dream/nightmare I will wake up from. I have even taken to bargaining with Trump. Ok, you want to get rid of Obamacare, but before you just eliminate it, how about fix it? I know people who will lose all health care if Obamacare is gone, what will you do to help them? As for immigration, how about a better path to citizenship?! Deportation or imprisonment for contributing members of society is not the answer. At the end of the day, all this just makes me sad. Sad and scared for the future of this country.
Depression is stage 4 of the grieving process, but the reality is that emotion hangs around the entire time. How in the heck is this actually our reality right now?! Utter pain of not being able to do anything about it. And utter sadness at not being able to elect the first woman President. I was proud to be able to vote for the first female nominated by a major party for President. I am beyond sad that we could not make history and elect her. I hope that some day I will see a woman elected President. Hopefully sooner rather than later. I want my daughters to know that they really can become anything they want. That it isn't just a bunch of talk. That they are strong, smart, and capable women.
Acceptance is the 5th and final step. I have not reached that step yet. I hope to. I want to. I have to. I have been reminded that as much as I want to, I cannot change it. I need to just accept it and try to move on. I want nothing more. I do not wish to wallow in my sorrows and pain. I just want to fast forward to the next election where we can take back the White House. (This may be the only time I say I want to fast forward life. Typically it's slow down because my girls are growing up too fast).
I honestly hope that my fears are not realized. That he proves us wrong. That he can be a good and fair leader. Not one that promotes hate. That he won't take away the rights of so many for the benefit of the few. I am excited to see how he plans to improve the infrastructure of this country. I agree that Congress should have term limits. I am open to some of his ideas. I am also fearful of others. I hope that although he criticized having a "public view" and a "private view" that he in fact does have slightly different views than the rhetoric he spewed during his campaign. I hope he said some of that to garner votes and nothing more. But that is also scary. And it teaches our children to lie to get what you want.
While one second I have despair, the next I do not. I hope that eventually the despair fades and we can move forward as a country. But then I turn on the news only to find out that people are already attacking citizens based on their race and religion. There are protests. I am heartbroken. I know that not all people who voted for Trump are racist, sexist, bigots. Just like not all Mexicans are rapists, and not all Muslims are terrorists. The crimes of a few should not lead people to categorize and crucify the whole group. Perhaps we all need to do a little inner soul searching and praying. For each other. For our country.
After I wrote this post I came across Jimmy Kimmel's 5 stages of grief on the election. Dah! His is definitely funny and worth a view. Hand over that tub of peanut butter! haha.